I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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