y did u give ur computer a hand job?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize