U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
