i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
