I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize