Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
