i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
