I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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