flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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