The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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