I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
