we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize