that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
