his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
