Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Success! We fucked roommates!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
