Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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