I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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