I haven't been this sober since birth.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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