Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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