I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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