I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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