anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
