I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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