You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
