Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
