I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
