Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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