Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
