My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
