you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
