Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
