I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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