Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
