i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
