dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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