I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
