You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
