tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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