I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
