I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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