he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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