I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
