I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
