So drunk its hurt
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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