Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
