I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
