I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
