i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
