Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
