Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize