We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You ruined the universe
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